As I write this I have my cat continuously attempting to lie across the keyboard. This is very inconvenient, so I’ve just pushed her off, taking down the pile of empty coke cans with her and landing on her head. Cat has mixed feelings about the situation.
Since I last updated this, I have been dieting a lot and using the gym/squash courts at least three times a week. As a result, I have now lost 1-2 inches off my waistline. Does that warrant a “woop woop”? I think it does, especially because I have to put up with the tediousness of the gym, and the stupidity of the people in there. Last week, me and this middle aged woman entered the gym at the exact same time, and left at the same time. The whole duration of my workout, she walked on the treadmill. That’s it, no jogging, or fast paced strides, just simple walking. Now, gym memberships are not cheap; if it wasn’t for the discount I get through my job, I’d have to consider drastic measures to afford it. So this woman must be seriously rich to afford such an expensive walk each week, when it would be a lot cheaper and a lot more interesting to walk to the door of the gym, turn around and then go home again.
In the past few months it also seems like the countries of the world are all shitting over themselves. Egypt was the first to make major news. I was quite disappointed that each time I turned on the evening news it didn’t show an armada of Aladdin-clones on camels. However, pictures were released of a man who taped bread around his head as a helmet; this more than made up for the disappointment.
Now we have Libya where a man wearing a tea towel on his head is clutching onto the country like a little child who’s been told to give back the toy he just stole. I don’t know whether the Libyan people are either desperate or just plain stupid; marching to protest against a psychotic man who has an army with miniguns, and helicopter gunships can never end well. Not even some rolls and baguettes taped to their head would help them there.
Not content with being left out the newspapers, Charlie Sheen then decided to stir things up. Now, until 2011, I had never ever heard of Charlie Sheen being a drug-addicted, threesomes with prostitutes-loving, room-smashing alcoholic. I always thought that was Kiefer Sutherland before he cleaned up his act. Yet clearly Charlie Sheen sipped some sherry as it turned midnight on December 31st, and decided his life wasn’t very exciting. So in the space of two months he’s been in the newspapers more than Egypt and Libra, he’s smashed up more hotel rooms than the members of The Who, and now he’s making the very bold claim that Keith Richards is nothing compared to him. Now, the only person who’s ever been more wrong is my colleague Gary, who while using a pub quiz machine decided that a Vampire Bat was a type of bird. It also takes quite a lot of ego to boast about being such a talentless waste of his dad’s sperm. Which reminds me, as a result of his antics, he’s been fired from Two and a Half Men; the show that made him £1.2million per episode. This proves America has too much money; I have seen that show dozens of times and thought he was about as funny as the VAT increase to 20%. Give that money to the cast of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ instead!
Or give the money to me. I need money. My car is costing me more than Charlie Sheens cocaine addiction. My computer is less healthy than Charlie Sheen is (I’m having fun with these Charlie Sheen metaphors haha!). I also want to visit a few places this year, not to mention hold a fantastic joint birthday party for me and my “little” brother Ross, who will be 21 this year. 50-100 people, need to find a big enough (and nice enough) venue to hold everyone, and get very, very drunk indeed! Bring on November!!
