All last night I had a really painful headache. No sleep at all, so I called in ill to work, got back into bed and slept more until the neighbour screaming at his dog like a disobedient wife woke me up again. Thankfully headache had died down, so decided to arm myself with paintbrush and roller and a tin of white paint. Most of you will know I’ve been decorating my bedroom now for about five months. It’s a slow work in progress, only occasionally running into problems like lack of money, or me not being arsed. But I now have all the paint, I have so much sandpaper that the Arabs are wondering where their desert has gone, and I have my dads word he’ll help me lay the wooden flooring. I’m determined to get it finished!
There are some things you need to know about decorating.
- Paint does not taste very nice.
- Paint stings like a bitch if you splash it in your eye.
- You look like a twat wearing cinema 3D glasses to avoid the previous point.
- Do not paint your room white. If you do, make sure you get the weird stuff that goes on bright pink. I finished painting and then couldn’t see where the hell I’d been.
- Just because the paint now looks dry, doesn’t mean it is.
- Wear some old clothes, not your nice black jeans.
In regards to the last point, I made this fatal mistake last month and spilt white paint on the legs and crotch on said trousers. The mother did her best and claimed she had removed the stain out of the leg….and the crotch too. I found out this was in fact a lie when I got to work the next day, looked down, to see the most dodgy stain on my crotch possible. It would have been less embarrassing to walk around with an erection. Ironically, I had to hide the stain by moving myself under my desk like you would an erection, so any colleague who noticed me probably thought this was the case.
Radiator is now finally painted too. Previous attempt was a fail, all I can say is that Ronseal radiator paint does certainly not do what it says on the bloody tin. After using the whole can to do many coatings, all I had achieved was a bright pink radiator and lung cancer. So I did it the old fashioned way with some gloss and a paintbrush. I now need to sand down the red skirting board and the red windowsill, and paint them a cocoa brown.
The reason I’ve been determined today is because last weekend I spent most of my wages on accessories for my bedroom which I can’t use until the paint has dried. So if I’m going to be poor for the rest of the month, I should at least have these things in my room. Some cocoa brown curtains, and a dark brown ‘Floating Shelf’ which you put up and has no supports underneath, it looks really nice. It will fall down the moment I place something heavy on it, but most importantly it will look nice. I also have a gorgeously comfortable double mattress. No bed mind you, but I did buy some chocolate brown/white patterned bedcovers to continue with the ‘white and cocoa’ theme. I also have a lamp! My mum bought it for me from Ikea, for £5. This should hint heavily at how bright this lamp is. You do not use it to brighten up the room, neither do you use it to help you read at night. Instead it’s to stop you going knees over tits in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom or kitchen.
So the plan is to finish it totally this weekend coming up, and then order a big bed to go with the big mattress. I will then demonstrate that I am my Fathers’ son, and buy a big plant to go in the corner.
