Driving is my passion. Not to blow my own trumpet too much, but I’m bloody good at it too. This is why bad drivers cause me to turn from this gentle giant, to a foul mouthed monster that you half expect to be foaming at the mouth. Anyone who wants to know just how foul mouthed I become, ask my mother, who heard it first hand when I placed my mobile onto the passenger seat after our phone call, and didn’t hit the button to end the call properly….
So please find below a list of occurrences that happens regularly on the road. If you are guilty of doing these, and do so on a fairly regular basis, please send your car keys, a pre-signed registration document for your vehicle, and drivers licence to me. Thank you.
- You do 40mph in a national speed limit, then continue doing 40mph when we reach a 30mph zone.
- You hit the brakes hard the moment the car in front slows down a fraction. Just let go of the accelerator you moose.
- You pull out in front of someone, causing them to brake hard, and then go under the speed limit. No bitch, you were rude enough to pull out, so you put your foot down.
- You indicate left then go right (or vice versa). This is usually a Ford Ka or Nissan Micra.
- You use the wrong lane on a roundabout.
- You overtake someone then carry on at exactly the same speed.
- You approach a speed camera then slam the brakes on and go past it at 30mph. In a national speed limit.
- If you are a lorry driver, do NOT overtake on a dual carriageway when you are doing just 2mph faster than the other lorry.
- You sit in the middle lane of a motorway when the slow lane is empty.
- Even worse… sit doing 70mph in the fast lane because you’re up your own bottom and think that you’re fine where you are because you’re obeying the law.
- You park across the lines in a car park, and thus take up two spaces.
- You do not indicate, especially when exiting roundabouts.
- You speed to the point you’re being suicidal/homicidal.
- You drive right up the chuff of the car in front. Unless you’re Derren Brown and can predict the future, you’re not stopping in time if that car brakes hard.
- If you flash your lights for someone to cross the road but don’t check for traffic coming the other way. That person WILL start to cross.
- You slow right down to let someone out of a T-junction. The person waiting to pull out will also think you’re a twat and wont trust you until you’ve almost come to a stop.
- You take so long to move off after the traffic lights go green that it turns red the moment you go through.
- You take more than two attempts to Parallel Park, or take more than one minute. Whichever comes first.
- You park in the most idiotic of places. Like on a bend in the middle of the night without your lights on, and I’m in a car without ABS.
- You talk on a mobile phone while driving, and prove in the process than men indeed cannot multitask. Or prove women cannot do it either.
- You try and leave a multi-storey car park without paying, so you then can’t leave through the barrier. And keep everyone waiting.
- You go to a petrol station, fill up, go inside to pay… but then spend 30 f***ing minutes doing some shopping, leaving a queue of angry people behind you.
- Do not buy a caravan. Ever. Stop being a cheapskate, and hire a nice caravan or book a hotel.
- Also, do not buy a horse and then take it sightseeing. Keep it in your field. You don’t see me taking my cat with me on journeys.
And last of all, do NOT hold down your horn or flash your lights at me for daring to overtake or leave it a bit fine at a roundabout. I wouldn’t do it if it was dangerous, or if there was any risk. And it’s not me being impatient. It’s you being slow and thick, and more often than not I feel much safer once I’ve got past you and you’re out of my rear view mirror.
This is why I reach my destinations about half an hour before you do, with my No Claims Bonus intact. Thank you.
Kind regards,
The 2.2 Vauxhall Astra that just overtook you.
