I’d like to start this blog entry by saying that when your neighbours are in the garden, standing by the window and then shouting “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAH ROONEY, ROONEY” and watching your neighbours get up and run quickly indoors is the funniest thing ever. Needless to say I wasn’t watching the football; I’ve always hated the game and the global business empire around it, and was instead wiping brown paint off my recently painted white walls with a look of horror on my face.
Truth be told I have never enjoyed sports, although you can probably tell this by looking at me. School PE was always something I dreaded, unless it was badminton which I was actually quite good at and enjoyed. But it rarely was badminton. It was football, rugby, and hockey. And I have never, EVER understood why they made us do those particular sports which are played outside on a field in the winter, when it was freezing cold, raining, and the pitch was so ruined that you got home that evening and found mud on your you-know-what.
I’m actually relieved that my school didn’t make us shower after lesson. Lots of people, especially the older generation, think this is outrageous. But at the end of the day, I did not want to see my classmates naked, and I doubt they wanted to see me naked either. I still don’t shower in public now, I’d rather walk home drenched in sweat than shower after the gym with a group of strange men. Just the thought makes me cringe.
I have tried playing sports though. For a year or two I tried playing cricket, until I realised that watching myself age in the mirror was more exciting. If it’s your teams turn to bat, you spend most of the game sat doing nothing. If it’s your teams turn to field, you spend most of the game stood doing nothing. I preferred fielding, purely because I didn’t have to strap myself with enough armour to feel like I was about to invade Rome, and wear a ridiculously uncomfortable piece of plastic over my genitals.
I have also tried continuing with my love for badminton but alas to no success. The problem with badminton is that it needs to be played indoors. Otherwise every time you hit the shuttlecock, the slightest breeze sends it into a hedge. Or worse, the neighbours garden, because you’ll never get it back. The local sports centre is rubbish at accommodating badminton, having a “turn up and see if the hall is free” policy. Sorry but that attitude does not win a membership from me.
So this is how I ended up playing squash. A delightful game because it’s fast paced, exciting, and allows you to relieve a lot of stress by smacking the seven shades of shit out of the ball against the wall. There is a local squash club with courts to play, and it’s not expensive. I played this game quite a lot when I was doing my GCSEs, and became rather good at it, however due to then leaving school the squash playing unfortunately ended. Strangely for a sport, I did really miss playing it, so this is why after six years, I have now resumed playing again (and by “resume playing” I mean I’ve played one game so far).
Now, this was not a fast-paced game like the games of old. This was a game of “sod that, I’m not running for the ball, you can have the bloody point”. Not to mention this was a game which lasted just 40 minutes. However, this game was on Thursday and it is now Saturday. I am still feeling the effects of this game of squash. Walking up the stairs my something-muscles in my legs ache, and earlier while drying my hair I had to stop and rest my arms because keeping them elevated hurt. How the hell could I let myself become so unfit? This is ridiculous!!!
Still, this is early days, and six years ago I was very good at the game. I am determined to start playing regularly and get myself back up to the skill level I was before. To anybody who reads this, if you fancy a game of squash against somebody who will most definitely lose right now, send me a text!
