I’d like to talk to you today about animals. We are a family of ‘animal lovers’ and to date we have three cats, two degus and some fish; if it wasn’t for the fact the cats would either kill, scratch or grumble at other animals (depending on size), we’d happily have more. Or should I say, I would happily have more.
I like unusual pets, and I find myself bored by conventional animals. I have cats because they do more than “bugger all”, they communicate and respond to humans, and they’re good at comforting. Although my male cat does like to piss around the house when he’s threatened; because he’s an idiot this could vary from other cats to a big scary leaf.
As mentioned in a previous blog, my degus were an impulse purchase because they fit the correct criteria. They were cute, they were active and intelligent, they respond to humans, and they’re unusual. Seriously, not even the vet knew what they were, and I bet none of you reading this know either. Google them, I dare you not to go “awww”. However for all the positives there are a lot of negatives. For example, they’re the most destructive little buggers known to man. They’ve already eaten one cage, hence why their new one is like Fort Knox, and even then they have eaten the plastic flooring. They have also eaten their house, and three wheels. These are very expensive little cute things.
However the biggest challenge is their sexual appetite. Both my degus are male, but this does not stop them having gay bottom-sex on a scale that would impress the Ancient Greeks. Sometimes one of the degus does not always like this, and I do not blame him, and he tries to run away. However the effort made by the other degu to hold on tight and keep going is worthy of a medal and a round of applause.
Next we come to the fish. The fish in the McGoun household used to be brilliant; three large fish which were all very different, each having a different owner. My goldfish proved to be indestructible, living to the grand old age of seven years and surviving an attack from the cats, metal poisoning, and me accidently putting too much water cleaner stuff in and turning all the fish a different colour. In turn, each of the various fish Ross and Finlay owned did not survive.
But then my fish did die, and we got tropical fish instead of coldwater fish. We assumed tropical would be better because I had visions of Dory and Nemo in my head, and the tank would be a bright blue full of colours that would make a gay pride festival seem a bit drab. But no, turns out Dory and Nemo are saltwater fish, not tropical fish, and need a tank the size of a paddling pool otherwise they throw a hissy fit and die. So instead the mother and Finlay bought the shittiest fish possible. As far as I can tell, it’s now just a tank full of dozens of identical grey/brown fish about an inch long. Those aren’t proper fish, I want a fish that’s as exciting as a fish can possibly ever be (which isn’t very exciting at all, unless it’s a piranha) and not glorified plankton. Sadly my arguments always hit a wall, and it looks like Dory and Nemo and their paddling pool will have to wait until I have moved out.
So what else would make a good pet? Someone suggested a horse the other day, and I nearly hit them. Donkeys are fine; in fact if I had a field I’d love a donkey. However I hate horses, and am vastly annoyed by the people who ride them. Keep them in your field, and ride them in your field by all means. But do not ride them down a road, especially a narrow countryside road with lots of twists of turns. Because I don’t know who shits themselves more when I come round a bend and nearly drive up a horses’ bottom, me or the horse. It’s a close call. Horse owners also have an obsession with taking their horses with them wherever they go. I live in the Oxfordshire countryside and seem to encounter a bloody horsebox being towed every day. Here is a tip, give the horses some chloroform, and then do the speed limit. Thank you.
Birds are totally out of the question. They would poo more than the degus, and not to mention I think it’s a bit cruel having a bird kept in a small cage; they need to fly around in my opinion. Chickens on the other hand are an epic idea, and I would love some chickens in the garden. My cats are too bird-brained to attack them; they would just sit on the coop and growl displeasingly at them. Not to mention chickens are quiet, providing you don’t accidently buy a rooster, and you get fresh eggs in the morning.
I was in ‘Pets at Home’ and saw Dragon lizards and I was very tempted. They were £200 for the lizards, a tank, and all the bits you’d need with it. Sadly although they covered the unusual criteria, they also ticked the “do fuck all” box, and after half an hour of said lizard moving about 2mm, I looked elsewhere.
But then October last year I was reading an article in The Daily Mail which caught my eye, and I immediately knew what my next pet(s) would be. Pigs! Not just any pigs, but the new micro pigs which have become a craze in Britain lately. They tick all the boxes. They’re unusual (how many people do you know, other than Farmer Giles, that owns pigs?), they respond to humans and interact, they’re clean, they’re quite cheap to keep as they eat dinner scraps, and can be trained to use a litter tray. As for cute, I think they tick that box too but I have heard conflicting opinions. Here is the link to the article for those wanting more information:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218472/The-700-teacup-sized-pigs-latest-celebrity-pet.html
So there we go. Get university completed, find my own apartment or small house, and I shall buy myself two micro pigs.
And they shall be called Sausage and Bacon.
