I know I complained about the weather before, but because I’m male I would like to complain about it again. 30 Degrees Celsius is fine if you’re on holiday abroad, or have the week off to relax at Glastonbury or laze by the river fishing with some beer. But I’m not abroad, and I’m not fishing. I’m stuck in an office wearing formal trousers which seem to absorb all the heat, and make things very uncomfortable in the groin area. Girls can’t complain, they can wear a skirt to air dry themselves out.
The car is intolerable. If I leave the windows up it becomes hot enough to bake a Victoria Sponge on the passenger seat. If I leave the windows open, then I’ll have a repeat of yesterday when a big grasshopper thing landed on my shirt as I was driving. There was nearly an accident. So I put the air-conditioning on, and since then I have been able to watch the petrol gauge needle moving; I cannot afford £100 a month on fuel.
My bedroom has been equally as intolerable. I refuse to open the window because otherwise the moths fly in to mess with my emotions, and the mosquitoes come in to feast. I counted seven bites on me last night. I have been sleeping in just a pair of boxer shorts above my duvet, but because I seem to do keep-fit athletics during the night (seriously, it’s the only explanation as to why I’m not thirty stone), it’s only a matter of time before the mother walks into my room with my breakfast and gets an eyeful of un-groomed male nudity.
Because of this I took the decision to drive into Aylesbury on Monday and buy a fan, stopping off at Tesco to buy 10 packets of jelly. I walked into Homebase and looked at their selection of fans. Small fans, big fans, round fans, tower fans, but in the end decided upon the biggest fan of them all that cost £30. 45cm in diameter, I chose this fan because there was one on display that was turned on to full power and felt like it was causing hurricanes in china. Pleased with my purchase, I headed home ( getting involved in some road rage on the way with a bunch of women in a Honda who pulled out dangerously in front of me, then seemed peeved when I over took them) and assembled my fan. I excitedly plugged it in and turned it on, and realised my catastrophic mistake.
The display fan in Homebase was not turned to full power. It was on setting one. Full power, I could strap this fan to the back of my car and get some motion. In fact I might try that and save myself some fuel, and then air-conditioning will be affordable. However for home use, this fan is fairly useless. During the day it does a remarkable job of cooling me down, but I can’t hear my music. During the night it sounds like I’m trying to sleep next to a lawnmower, not to mention it actually makes the edge of the duvet flap around in the wind; very annoying. In fact that Monday night I got no sleep at all. So I’ve left it turned off, a compromise of having a small amount of sleep but waking up more sweaty than Fabio Capello in front of an FA board.
Tomorrow I shall be heading off to the Goodwood Festival of Speed with three colleagues, and although I am very much looking forward to it, I know it would be a lot more enjoyable if it was just a few degrees cooler. I have offered to drive due to one colleague having problems with his cars cooling system, and the other colleague having a car just not suitable for carrying four adults in comfort. I shall ask for petrol donations and have that air-conditioning very much turned ON.
I’ll need to go the whole hog on the sun lotion too, because otherwise I’ll return burnt to a crisp; I might embarrass people and wear my leather cowboy hat to protect the ears and neck. Or even better, my shiny silver Mercedes-Benz baseball cap. I must remember to withdraw plenty of money for refreshments.
I’m taking £30 just to spend on ice lollies.
